I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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