Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize