shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my shit smells like andre
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
