I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So much rum. So many feels.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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