Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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