he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize