R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
