Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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