I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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