____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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