Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
