I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
