I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
