You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
