Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize