I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
