I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she peed on how many people?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
