i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
