Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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