you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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