So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
