I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
