He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Drake has all the answers
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
