In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize