You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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