I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
