i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize