i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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