I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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