If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
