dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
