You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
