you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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