I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
