i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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