I checked into jail on foursquare
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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