I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
