You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
