Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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