community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
