my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
