ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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