Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
