I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
