just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize