Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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