Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
