I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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