Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
