Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
