So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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