Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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