I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
