She is in my trunk
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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