dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just want nice things and good sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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