my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
