How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
a search helicopter?!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
