I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
