God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
