Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sext me about skeletons
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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