Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
